I watched as Jesse fidgeted at the art table.  I offered him some tools with which to draw and he chose the colored chalk.  A few moments later, I stepped across the room to grab a game and in that 30 second period, Jesse managed to tear some big holes in the paper and draw on the table.  Deciding against the board game, I suggested a more active game.  Minutes later I was involved in “extreme” ping pong, the likes of which I had never played before.  Jesse’s parents complained that he couldn’t concentrate and was destructive in class.  I was beginning to get a feel for exactly what they meant.  

The next time we got together, I was prepared.  I had all kinds of materials available which Jesse could destroy.  From cutting up an apple, to tearing up an old phone book, to breaking up pencils into little bits, we thrashed, spindled and mutilated.  By the time we were finished, Jesse had begun to relax, a smile on his face.  The rest of our time together was “normal,” and I was able to help Jesse refocus his energy quite easily. 

It is important that children with ADHD be allowed ample opportunities to expend energy.  Destructive behaviors can result when energy has nowhere to go.  Counselors, teachers and parents may misinterpret what is going on and assume that a child is angry when they are not.  Jesse is not really angry, he just needs a variety of outlets in which to channel his energy.

Ever have the opportunity to observe children who ignore their parents, children who are totally in control of what happens in the family?  I recently watched as a little boy of about eleven grabbed some candy from a candy bowl in a professional office.  His mother immediately told him to put the candy back.  He laughed.  A few moments later, his sister crossed the room and grabbed some candy from the bowl.  Mom told both children to put that candy back!  She talked about all the left over Halloween candy that they had at home.  The children looked at her calmly and proceeded to unwrap the candy one piece at a time and eat it right in front of her.

Why would children so blatantly disregard the request of a parent?  The only reasonable answer is that they don’t believe that their parents really mean what they say.  The danger of this situation is that sometime a teacher, a parent or other authority figure may really need this child to follow directions.  The ability to follow instructions might prove life saving in some situations.  Some parents bark out orders without even stopping to think of what they are saying.  Mom says don’t eat that candy without even thinking about it.  She really doesn’t care if the kids have some candy, but it somehow seems like good parenting to say, “no.”  Better to smile and say, “Help yourself to the candy bowl,” than to say otherwise and ignore blatant defiance.  Consistent discipline helps your child feel safe and helps them develop a strong, earthy foundation from which to grow.    

Change is hard.  My family and I just finished moving into a new home and even though this home is great and exactly what we have been looking for, it’s been stressful.  Even positive changes produce stress.  Each of us has our own unique way of dealing with life’s unexpected challenges.  One family member withdraws into a deep and quiet place, stoically moving through all that needs to be done.  Another spends lots of time talking about it all, processing each and every portion of the day.  Some might get grumpy, firing off orders, frustrated when things don’t go according to plan.  There really is no right or wrong.  The important thing to remember is that everyone manages in the best way they know how, and in a way that is congruent with who they are physically, emotionally and energetically. 

Jordan fidgets in his desk.  He looks at the clock for about the hundredth time.  He can’t wait for this day to be over.  All of his friends are sporting ghoulish costumes while he sits at his desk in plain old jeans and a shirt.  Halloween is stupid! 

A few months later, in the very same classroom, Hannah sits in an adjacent seat feeling the same thing about Christmas.  She is sick and tired of hearing her parents say that this is really a holiday about commercialism, not about “peace and good will toward man.”  She wants to enjoy the festivities and fit in with her friends. Why does her family always have to be so different?!

This is the perfect time of year to discuss family traditions around holiday celebrations, for in many households Halloween or Christmas are controversial subjects.  Some parents are staunchly opposed to their children gorging on sweets or dressing up as ghouls.  Other parents find the concept of Christmas gift giving and materialism at odds with their core values.  It’s okay to substitute unique family traditions for mainstream traditions as long as you are prepared to help your child deal with this sense of “being different.”  A child who feels like they’re weird and is excluded from peer activities is at risk of rebelling.  But a child who is included in the family decision making process and whose parents are committed to sharing their family traditions with others, is much more likely to revel in their uniqueness rather than chafe at being different.

William let out his breath in short little puffs as he drew me a picture during one of our sessions.  When he was done, I complimented him.  I let him know that the story, his use of color and his creativity impressed me.  Later, when we joined his parents, I shared the picture with them.  “Oh, William, next time you might want to use dark blue to outline the waves before you color them in with the lighter blue,” his mother commented, smiling. 

“Yes, and I can show you how to draw birds that look like they’re flying,” his father chipped in.  The smile on William’s face quickly disappeared.  He shrugged and nodded, tossing the picture onto my desk.

“You can keep it,” he said flatly as they left.

I often see children who seem to feel disempowered and defeated.  Many of these children have high-powered, loving parents who want nothing more than for them to succeed and be happy.  These parents want to encourage their children to work hard and strive to do their best.  Because of this, they often point out the many areas for improvement “next time.”  These are the parents who after a ball game will go over each play, making suggestions for a better game “next time.”  I’ve heard a parent once question a child with an “A” in math.  “Is there any way you could ask the teacher for some extra credit work?” Dad asked. 

“But I HAVE an ‘A’ already, Dad!”  I watched as this child’s face registered disbelief and frustration.  It’s okay to let your child know that they have done a good job, that they make you proud and that you are satisfied with their level of effort and achievement.  Praising your child won’t make them lazy or complacent.  Without rewards or approval, your child is left with very little motivation to succeed.  What’s the use?  They know they will never quite measure up.  Good is never good enough.    In laboratory experiments, mice who didn’t receive the reward of food, but instead received an electrical shock upon completion of their journey through a maze, eventually gave up, became depressed and quit trying to find their way.  Children who feel good about themselves are kids whose parents and teachers wisely reward them for a job well done. 

The energy of the elements permeates life as we know it.  This energy colors the way we experience the world.  Just as the childhood stages and our personality styles each emulate an elemental characteristic, I believe our family systems do as well. 

For example, “earth” style families are very structured.  This family system has a code of ethics and rules that the family operates under.  Expectations are clearly defined for all, creating a harmonious family unit.  A “water” style family system is based on flexibility and connection.  This is a family that talks about feelings, is effusive in demonstrating feelings with each other, and stays connected on a daily basis.  In stark contrast, a family based on a “fiery” system is volatile and filled with much bickering and competitiveness.  These families are committed to local and national sporting events and are some of our nation’s most loyal fans.  This family’s bickering and fighting helps them feel and stay connected.  Although they may disagree with each other internally, when facing the outside world they are extremely loyal to each other and united.  An “airy” family is on the move.  They all have complex and conflicting schedules.  There are usually several free spirits in a family that operates based on airy principles.  Creativity and spontaneity are common place and the thread upon which an airy family rests.  The more “etheric” family style is intellectually driven.  This is a family who values high achievement.  Issues are analyzed and compromise is struck based on sound logic or common sense.  Parents in etheric families talk through issues, sometimes talking things to death.  This family takes pride in their commitment to community or church.  They are highly committed to the pursuit of quality education, and are motivated to transcend life circumstances using brain power and/or spiritual belief systems. 

It is important to honor your innate family style.  Understanding the underpinnings of your family can help you increase your sense of pride and contribute to the development of a united sense of purpose.

Jeremy is tired.  He stayed up too late last night, but he just couldn’t quit playing that video game.  His folks would have a fit if they knew he went to bed at 3:00.  Oh well.  He’d stop and get something to wake up on his way to school.  Stopping by the corner convenience store, Jeremy grabs a couple of high energy drinks.  The first 20 ounces are gone before he hits campus, the second, disappearing by the end of 1st period.  He notices the fog begin to lift and his headache recede.  By second period Jeremy is fully awake and ready for action, or so he thinks.  Little does he know that the caffeine coursing through his system is playing havoc with his central nervous system.  His breathing is shallow and fast, his heart rate is accelerated.  This class is boring!  Lacking the ability to really concentrate or focus on what the teacher is saying, Jeremy starts visiting with his friends at the back of the class.  He needs something fun to do.  This class is bogus!  Speaking more loudly than he should, Jeremy draws the attention of the teacher and ends up in the office for disrupting class.  After a visit with his guidance counselor, he joins 4th period already in progress.  By the end of this class, Jeremy has begun to feel tired and irritable.  He notices that he is starving.  He can’t wait to grab some chips and a coke at lunch….  When will this stupid class be over?

Our planet is in the midst of an energy crisis.  Having ignored and misused our environmental resources, as well as neglected our physical and energetic selves, we are headed for disaster.  Human beings are energetic organisms.  Much as a car takes in fuel and burns that fuel in order to operate, our physical bodies take in food, water and oxygen.  I can pour various liquids into the tank of my car, but it will only operate properly when fueled by gasoline.  I can ingest foods that are nutritionally inadequate, take in oxygen and water that is tainted by pollution, and my body won’t shut down immediately, but the engine will take a beating, the physical structure will break down and energetically it won’t operate properly.  Our children are literally bundles of energy.  However, unlike the many machines that surround us, our children do not come with “on” or “off” buttons.  They innocently look to us, their parents and teachers, to help teach them.  In order to teach them, however, we must be tuned into our own energetic rhythms and needs.  Are we modeling healthy behaviors?  If we, the adults, neglect our physical and energetic selves, ignoring the signals our bodies keep sending us, we will not be very good teachers.

As I sat at a stop light the other day, I watched  a mother and her “10ish” aged little girl step into the crosswalk.  The little girl was very thin, eyebrow-less and wearing a bright pink turban.  I felt sad, for it immediately became obvious to me that this was a child getting chemotherapy.  A few short hours later, I found myself standing in a store quietly waiting behind two women who were chatting easily with each other.  One was going on and on about making school lunches and how she was done!  She told of getting up in the morning and announcing to the family how they would be making their own school lunches from here on out.  She wasn’t the slave!  She laughed lightly as she recounted the shocked and teary responses of her children.  The other mother began to share her own version of life in a home where she did everything.  I didn’t join in the conversation, for I continued to be haunted by the vision of that little girl in the crosswalk.  It’s easy to lose your perspective in the midst of life’s responsibilities.  It’s easy to begin to believe that getting that homework done or eliminating those all consuming, problem childhood behaviors are all that is important.  It is easy to forget that there really are children wracked with terminal disease, that there are children starving to death in other countries, children being abused in our own and other children whose lives are permanently altered as a result of war.  It’s important to step back every once in awhile and remind ourselves of these facts.  I found it a sad irony that as these women prattled on, just down the road there was a mother who would welcome the opportunity to make just one more school lunch or pick up one more of her daughter’s wet towels and put it in the hamper.  She would do so gladly, without complaint, if she could only have her healthy, vibrant little girl back.  It’s important to keep your perspective, because a lot of what we worry or complain about as parents doesn’t really matter, does it?