Jordan fidgets in his desk.  He looks at the clock for about the hundredth time.  He can’t wait for this day to be over.  All of his friends are sporting ghoulish costumes while he sits at his desk in plain old jeans and a shirt.  Halloween is stupid! 

A few months later, in the very same classroom, Hannah sits in an adjacent seat feeling the same thing about Christmas.  She is sick and tired of hearing her parents say that this is really a holiday about commercialism, not about “peace and good will toward man.”  She wants to enjoy the festivities and fit in with her friends. Why does her family always have to be so different?!

This is the perfect time of year to discuss family traditions around holiday celebrations, for in many households Halloween or Christmas are controversial subjects.  Some parents are staunchly opposed to their children gorging on sweets or dressing up as ghouls.  Other parents find the concept of Christmas gift giving and materialism at odds with their core values.  It’s okay to substitute unique family traditions for mainstream traditions as long as you are prepared to help your child deal with this sense of “being different.”  A child who feels like they’re weird and is excluded from peer activities is at risk of rebelling.  But a child who is included in the family decision making process and whose parents are committed to sharing their family traditions with others, is much more likely to revel in their uniqueness rather than chafe at being different.

William let out his breath in short little puffs as he drew me a picture during one of our sessions.  When he was done, I complimented him.  I let him know that the story, his use of color and his creativity impressed me.  Later, when we joined his parents, I shared the picture with them.  “Oh, William, next time you might want to use dark blue to outline the waves before you color them in with the lighter blue,” his mother commented, smiling. 

“Yes, and I can show you how to draw birds that look like they’re flying,” his father chipped in.  The smile on William’s face quickly disappeared.  He shrugged and nodded, tossing the picture onto my desk.

“You can keep it,” he said flatly as they left.

I often see children who seem to feel disempowered and defeated.  Many of these children have high-powered, loving parents who want nothing more than for them to succeed and be happy.  These parents want to encourage their children to work hard and strive to do their best.  Because of this, they often point out the many areas for improvement “next time.”  These are the parents who after a ball game will go over each play, making suggestions for a better game “next time.”  I’ve heard a parent once question a child with an “A” in math.  “Is there any way you could ask the teacher for some extra credit work?” Dad asked. 

“But I HAVE an ‘A’ already, Dad!”  I watched as this child’s face registered disbelief and frustration.  It’s okay to let your child know that they have done a good job, that they make you proud and that you are satisfied with their level of effort and achievement.  Praising your child won’t make them lazy or complacent.  Without rewards or approval, your child is left with very little motivation to succeed.  What’s the use?  They know they will never quite measure up.  Good is never good enough.    In laboratory experiments, mice who didn’t receive the reward of food, but instead received an electrical shock upon completion of their journey through a maze, eventually gave up, became depressed and quit trying to find their way.  Children who feel good about themselves are kids whose parents and teachers wisely reward them for a job well done.