I’m not a big fan of sleepovers, yet in our household it seems to be a weekly event.  By the middle school years, a child’s social network has become their “second family.”  My son’s friends have become such a part of our family that I hardly notice their presence at the supper table any longer.  Friday night rolls around and it is a part of the family routine to schlep him over to a friend’s house or pull out the air mattress for someone to sleep here.  I used to foolishly think that these overnights interfered with sleep, but that was before the hormones kicked in, rendering these middle school children sleepless until well after midnight and comatose until noon the next day.  By Friday night, like most parents, I am tired.  I don’t want to argue or negotiate, I just want to hit the sack myself and get some zzzz’s.  Last night the house was strangely quiet.  I laid in bed listening for the sound of video games or the trip trapping of feet on the way to the fridge.  “Hmmm….What are they up to?” I wondered.  Then, I remembered.  My son was staying over at someone else’s house last night.  Ahhhh, time to relax and just go to sleep.  

I was just dozing off when the phone rang.  “Hey, mom?” the voice queried at the other end of the line.  “Did you call me awhile ago?”

“No.  I’m in bed,” I muttered.  I sat up and looked at the clock.  This better not be some cockamamie call asking me to make a fast food or video run!

“Oh.  Well, mom, I just wanted to say good-night.  I love you,” he whispered it into the phone.

“I love you too,” I said, as I smiled in the dark.  The click of the receiver told me that he had hung up.  Rolling over in bed, I sighed.  Ahhhhh, time to relax and just go to sleep.....

Colby looked in the mirror one last time before proceeding downstairs.  She frowned, hating the way her hair looked this morning.  No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get it to lay right.  Turning slightly to the left to look at her profile, she gasped.  She had a huge crater on the side of her face.  When did that happen?  She ran into her mom’s bathroom to look for cover-up.  Caking on a sufficient amount of the ointment to hide her zit, she shuffled downstairs.  “Good morning,” mom said casually as Colby entered the kitchen.  Colby didn’t answer.  “Are you going to take your lunch to school, or are you eating in the cafeteria?”  Again there was no answer.  “Well, if you decide to make a lunch there are some new sandwich meats in the fridge.”

“I can’t believe you,” Colby whined.  "You aren’t even nice to me in the morning anymore.  It’s, 'Colby do this and Colby do that,' from the minute I get up.  Geez!”  She slammed her backpack down on the counter and began stuffing math papers into the side pocket.  “I hate my life,” she mumbled.  Unsure of what to say, mom just sat quietly with a strained smile on her face.  She had been through these conversations before and knew that trying to engage at this point would only result in yelling and tears.  She looked at her watch.  Colby better hurry if she was going to make the bus.

The airy and etheric years of the teen are tumultuous.  Emotions blow in and out on a whim.  Hormones are surging.  Radical hairstyles, extreme clothing, and borderline friendships typify our child’s need to be seen and heard.  Self-expression is the “work” of this stage and is not only normal, but necessary.  It is understandable that teens on the precipice of adulthood will make some mistakes and miscalculations when it comes to expressing their needs and wants.  Moving from childish verbalizations to adult articulation is a process that takes time.  It isn't something that happens overnight.  Yet, the teen who feels so grown up inside, lunges ahead anyway.  As in previous stages, parents who have a strategy prepared ahead of time are much better equipped to deal with this erratic and unpredictable child.  Flexibility, tolerance and humor help.  Teens whose parents embrace their attempts at self-discovery, who empathize and support them, are much less likely to suffer depression, abuse substances or resort to violence.  Parenting at every step is an adventure, but during the teenage years it is a journey of epic proportions.

Now that school is well underway, there are parents who are discovering that their children have learning or attention issues that they never knew existed.  Teachers are gently delivering news that is difficult for any parent to hear.  That adorable baby who showed every sign of genius level intelligence has grown into a child who is struggling.  Parents are surprised to find out that their child has reams of back work to do and is slated for additional school testing.  One of the first things such parents need to keep in mind is that a child sitting in a classroom of 24 other children may behave very differently in this setting than they do at home or in small groups.  There are many factors that influence a child’s ability to learn and concentrate, not the least of which is the learning environment.  Parents need to spend time in the classroom observing.  This can easily be accomplished by volunteering.  You may discover that the size of the class, personality clashes with peers, or the teaching style of the teacher contribute to your child’s learning difficulty. 

Who is your child energetically?  How do they learn?  Is yours a child who learns by doing, not by seeing or hearing, a more earthy energetic style?  Or does your child “feel” their way along, highly intuitive and prone to follow their hunches rather than the directions (more watery by nature)?  Is yours a fiery child, a passionate creator who needs to feel stimulated and challenged?  Are they simply bored and getting into trouble as a result?  Your airy child, on the other hand, may need to talk, talk and talk some more.  They move quickly from one project to the next and are often misunderstood and seen as unfocused.  If your child has an etheric learning style, they are analytical and will want to connect all the dots.  Complexity excites them.  Overly simplistic “baby” work will bore them to tears.  You as the parent know your child best.  Who are they and what do they really need to succeed scholastically?  There are many alternatives available today.  So take the news from your teacher in stride.  This is an opportunity to become actively involved in your child’s educational process that not all parents get.  Your child is unique.  You were right all along!

I know that the word “bedtime” strikes fear to many an adult heart.  Bedtime needs for children in the various energetic stages of development are quite different.  For example, an infant in the earth stage needs physical and emotional closeness.  This is the stage of tangibles—needs felt and needs met.  After nine months in the womb, an infant is used to constant physical and emotional connection.  They have no concept of the word “alone” or that they are separate from the womb in which they have resided.  They continue to need your closeness, your physical presence as you help lay the foundation for future stages.  Infants need to experience the world as a safe place where physical and emotional needs are responded to and met.  Hence, this will require geographically close sleeping arrangements and a willingness to feed, change, or cuddle your infant during the night.

Children in the water stage of development (ages 15 mos to 3 years) are beginning to move away from their parents on the watery currents of independence.  When playing with peers, a child at this age will drift away from parents, play for awhile and then return for encouragement or support.  The same will be true at nighttime.  A small bed or crib situated in a place where your child can easily see you is extremely helpful at this stage.  When your child awakes in the night, not only can they see you across the room, but you can offer the added reassurance of your voice.  Over time as you begin to move their bed further away and in the direction of their own room, just your voice will be enough to settle them down and back to sleep.  Children who startle awake looking for parents every few seconds, are children who have experienced abrupt departures and isolation before they are ready.

Bedtime as experienced through the fire stage (ages 4-10) is really about learning to turn the “burner” down at the end of the day to a quiet and steady flame.  After a day spent in fire activities, a longer transition is needed for the child to turn off the mind, feel the quietness within their bodies and relax.  Conversely, in the morning it takes a fire stage child longer to rev up their engines and begin their days.  Slow and extended transition times are needed at both ends of the day.

Understanding your child’s unique needs through each stage will help you adjust your expectations.  When what you expect and what you experience are at odds, frustration can take root.  Learning to read, ride a bike or play the violin are all skills children acquire over time.  Similarly, learning to sleep alone is a process.  Parents who understand this are realistic at bedtime, for they know what to expect.

“Courtney is just plain sneaky,” her mother explains to me.  “She looks like an angel, but don’t let that fool you!”  As I listen to mom’s long litany of Courtney's most recent transgressions, I have a hard time imagining that this tiny little girl of five, could possibly be capable of such shenanigans.  As her mother talks, Courtney smiles at me sheepishly, slowly shaking her head, as if to convince me that the stories really aren’t true.  I find myself wondering if these events could really have taken place.  I decide to withhold judgment until I become better acquainted with this family.  It wasn’t until a few minutes later, when I was straightening my office after they left, that I noticed a couple of items missing.  I searched high and low, only to receive a phone call the next day letting me know that the missing rock and the dragon were all found in Courtney's possession upon arriving home.

Over time I discovered that Courtney's sneaky and lying behaviors were a strategy that she used to keep mom connected and attentive.  As long as Courtney was in trouble, mom paid attention.  Carl, a thirteen-year old, lies in order to stay out of trouble.  Early on, he discovered that the consequences for minor infractions were so severe and overwhelming, that the only way he could cope was to lie and deny all charges.  Maxine exaggerates and tells stories because she is shy and uncomfortable with friends.  Her life seems dull and dismal.  She is certain that the only way anyone could possibly like her is if she embellishes a bit.  I often hear from parents who are upset by a child’s behavior.  Focusing on the behavior rarely does much good.  Searching for the underlying cause is always beneficial.  

If my car quits working I know that I need to find the source of the problem. Complaining about my car, hitting it, yelling at it in front of the neighbors or threatening to quit driving altogether won’t fix the problem.   I may need someone else’s help.  There are a lot of systems that need checking out.  It could be a mechanical, structural issue (physiology) or it could be a problem with the fueling, battery systems (energetic).  I may need to take into consideration the age and stage of my car and treat it a little differently than I did at first (i.e. take it in for more frequent servicing, give it more time to warm up, etc.)  Honoring your child’s physiology, their energetic and developmental stage will ensure success, for you be will addressing your child’s needs, not just their behaviors.