Anna can’t wait for her mom to meet Sherrie, only the coolest friend she’s ever had!  Having heard about her incessantly for days, Mom is rather surprised to discover that Sherrie seems to be quite materialistic.  Proud of her designer clothes, Sherrie brags about shopping with her mom at all the hippest stores.  Overhearing the girls talk about their friends at school, Anna’s mom finds Sherrie’s comments mean spirited and critical.  Anna is so thrilled by the idea of being popular for once, that she seems blinded to the very real issues that her mother sees.  Jake’s parents are struggling with similar issues.  Just last week, Jake asked if his friend could come over after school.  His parents agreed, never giving it a second thought.  When Ian arrived, they were shocked to note that his T-Shirt had a highly suggestive message and picture on both front and back.  Not only that, he barely acknowledged them.  Dad happened to overhear a conversation between the two boys where Ian bragged about shoplifting at the local 7-11 store. 

Parenting strategies used to deal with these situations will depend in large part on the age and stage of the children involved.  During the elementary school years or fire stage of development, it is quite easy to discourage such friendships.  Our children need and want our guidance even though they may initially resist.  Insisting on supervised play dates, talking to them about your concerns and encouraging them to cultivate other friendships is usually all the intervention needed at this age. 

During the later, airy stage of development in middle school, children are not always as easily diverted or re-directed, and can feel drawn to forbidden friendships as a form of rebellion.  Keeping the lines of communication open and giving your child some freedom to explore, while providing healthy limits are the best approaches.  This means talking about what you like and don't like about this friend, allowing them enough space to explore the friendship further and decide for themselves, while making some hard and fast rules (i.e. no unsupervised shopping trips or  MySpace interaction).  Allowing your child to experience the natural consequences that accompany such unhealthy alliances is often exactly what is needed to reinforce your parental messages.  It is hard not to intervene when your child’s consequence involves law enforcement or school officials, but lovingly supporting them through this learning experience can prove life saving later on. 

By the time your child reaches the ether stage, their decisions are largely out of your hands.  All you can do is trust in the earlier guidance and intervention you so wisely provided them.  Sometime during this school year, you may have to deal with difficult friendships or alliances that your children make at school.  Proactive parents have a plan in place and aren't afraid to implement this plan before disaster strikes.  Reactive parents aren't prepared.  This lack of preparation can lead to immobilization and the inability to make a decision or react calmly. Or, conversely,  these parents can over react and impose harsh or unrealistic consequences. Deciding ahead of time how you will deal with this situation is the difference between "proactive" vs. "reactive" parenting. 

This past weekend, I had an opportunity to observe some children and their families at a local pizza parlor.  This particular establishment provides a very large play structure for kids to climb “on and through.”  Upon entering the front door of the restaurant, most children made a beeline for the playroom.  After a fair amount of time, these children could be seen running back into the restaurant, scanning the tables for their parents.  Upon finding the family table, they would rush over, take a seat and begin to scarf down a few bites of pizza, coming up for air long enough to enjoy a swig of pop, off they would rush again to the playroom and friends.  These children were breathless and joyful, hardly able to contain their enthusiasm as they traveled from playroom to table and back again.  In stark contrast, I noticed a couple of tables where the scenario played out quite differently.  Parents at these two tables seemed uncomfortable with the chaos, noise and wild abandon of other children.  Trying to maintain some sense of control, they would remind their children to: sit and eat slowly, stop running, don’t mix all the flavors of pop together, slow down, sit down, wait, not now, no more playing, etc.  Instead of joyful squeals, flushed cheeks and happy grins, the children at these tables cried, whined, begged and tantrumed.  I wondered briefly why these families even bothered to come. 

A few short hours later, found me at the dog park with the family pug.  Upon entering the gate at the park, each dog owner would without fail, unhook the leash and encourage their pooch to run free.  Dogs were running around with the same wild abandon and joy the children had exhibited earlier.  Instead of squeals and laughter there were barks and yips.  I did not encounter one dog owner who refused to let their doggie run around free or limit their play.  Everyone seemed to understand their pet’s innate need to play and play and play some more.  If only we as parents understood our children as well.  A child’s every muscle, nerve and synapse is programmed to fire in such a highly stimulating and “fun” environment.  Energy levels peak.  Chemicals are released in the brain that stimulate a sense of well being and joy.  Children are incapable of shutting down these systems.  When forced to do so, however, the energy must go somewhere and will often manifest as crying, rebelling, or fighting behaviors.  It is important to take into consideration our children’s physiology before planning a family outing.  Wild pizza parties aren’t for everyone.  It’s okay to make the choice to do something else.  Sharing positive family time in an environment you find most comfortable is much more important in the long run, and a decision that your children will thank you for later.

I’m so excited!  Tonight at midnight a brand new, wildly popular sequel to a previous video game comes out (Halo3).  My sons are waiting with baited breath.  My youngest, who will be thirteen in a few short days, thinks that he and I are going to pick up the game after school tomorrow.  Little does he know there’s an audacious plan afoot.  Tonight at 11:55 I will wake him from a sound sleep, force him to pull on his pants; then we will rush over to the local mall, joining long lines of individuals waiting to pick up their game.  It’s silly and somewhat irresponsible to awaken your seventh-grader at midnight on a school night, but life is short.  It’s easy to forget that, to get caught up in the day-to-day responsibilities and commitments.  Next thing you know you’ve missed the opportunity to be silly and irresponsible.  I want to create memories with my children that go down in the family chronicles as outrageous, spontaneous and exhilarating.  So, if you see us in line, give us a wave.  The more the merrier!