All eyes were upon me.  I sat in our tiny living room with my mother, my aunt and my brother, opening my birthday card with a huge smile on my face.  I wasn’t sure if the card was all I was getting or if there would actually be a gift this year, but either way, I had to act excited.  They all loved me and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.  I opened my mom’s card, only to have the dreaded “gift certificate” fall out onto the floor.  I read their sweet hand-written comments and then stooped to pick up the certificate.  It was, “Good for one new blouse, a pair of shoes and a book of my choice.”  Now, I knew that we probably would never make that trip to town to purchase these items, but at least they wanted to get it for me, right?  My mom started talking about how she knew it wasn’t much, but it’s the thought that counts.  My brother gave me some hand-made art object and my aunt presented me with a homemade cake.  I felt the lump in my throat getting bigger and bigger.  If I could just make it to bedtime, then I could cry.  Life was so much better now with my dad gone.  I shouldn’t complain.

Today, decades later, it is my birthday again.  As I celebrate this occasion with my family, my thoughts always return to years gone by.  Those early experiences have stuck with me, for memory resides in the body and mind.  Those years of waiting with baited breath, stressed out and worried, have now become a part of the energetic landscape that makes up my past.  I’ve worked hard over the years to heal the more traumatic aspects of my early years and it has paid off.  Four decades ago, childhood stress or trauma were barely recognized, let alone talked about.  Today is a new day.  It gives me great peace to know that children and their families have options.  Not only that, I can be a part of helping heal the pain, mending the schisms before they become coded in the DNA of another generation.  So, as I look forward to a brand new year filled with endless possibilities, I invite you to join me on this journey.  For together, we truly can begin to change the physical, emotional and energetic legacy that each of us leave our children.

Have you ever found yourself acting like something less than grown up in front of your children?  I have.  In fact, just this week, I slammed around the kitchen, fuming and muttering some not so nice words, as I tried for the umpteenth time to catch the gerbil (that is not mine) who mysteriously escaped his cage.  The loving, wise, all-knowing mother took a vacation and in her place some dark and dismal, nagging woman showed up.  I heard myself recount the many times I have fed said gerbil without help from other family members.  During one of my tirades, I reminded everyone that “gerbil escape” was one of my major concerns prior to purchasing this gerbil.  I went on to intuitively predict the destruction of our kitchen by a rodent who would chew through every cupboard and wall, costing the family thousands of dollars.  I declared in no uncertain terms that I was DONE trying to capture this rodent, done!  Only to be humiliated moments later when I was caught, lying on the kitchen floor, peeking under the stove and pleading with Mr. Gerbil to, “please come nibble on the sunflower seed.”  This week has taught me some important lessons.  Like many mothers, I take pride in my ability to handle the large crisis.  It’s the small things that are sometimes my “undoing.”  I have had to say, “I’m sorry,” more than once.  I’ve discovered just how little patience I really do have.  And, I have decided to be more forgiving in the future when someone decades younger than myself makes a fool of themselves and “loses it.”  After all, “acting your age,” is sometimes really, really hard!

I love watching children out on the playground this time of year.  I always find it fascinating to try to determine their various energetic types by watching them at play.  Of course most primary aged children are in the “fire stage” of development, so they play collaboratively and competitively.  Their actions always have fiery overtones, but their underlying, unique energetic style is usually still quite obvious. 

The earthy types like to play games that are very structured within a strong framework of rules.  They like digging and playing in the dirt or bark chips.  They often want to build forts, climb on jungle gyms or play structures.  They are inclined to follow the rules of the playground and are more than willing to tattle on those who are not following the rules.  The watery types move all over the playground, flowing easily from one activity to the next.  They usually form small groups of two or three and are seen putting their heads together, connecting, conspiring, chatting.  They like the swings and the slides best.  The fiery types like intense competitive sports and are probably involved in a game of football, dodgeball or tag.  They often need coaching and intervention, for their fiery natures and “need to win”can sometimes provoke disagreements with peers.  The airy types like to run, run, run and are not so concerned about winning or losing as long as they can move.  They are apt to forget the rules or become easily distracted by other playground dramas.  Airy types easily frustrate fellow players who lose patience with their easy going, nonchalance.  These types love to swing high in the swing and shoot down the slide head first.  The ether types are often less athletically focused.  They are as content playing some solitary game as they are playing with others.  Ether types “stay in their heads,” are logical and like intellectual stimulation.  They enjoy a good architectural or engineering challenge, so will collaborate with the earthy types as they build forts, roadways or other structures.  They love math and often interject their mathematical understanding into their play.  Many children, many energetic types, many playing styles, and if allowed to be who they inherently are…..much joy!

I’ve received some comments from parents of late, related to my blog on “Old School Parenting.”  There are those who have interpreted my account of this story as judgment around “spanking.”  People attached to spanking, remember with fondness their own childhoods where such techniques were employed.  They feel convicted that this is the “right” way to parent.  They feel judged by those who don’t spank and worry that without corporal punishment, children will run amuck, out of control.

When my grandparents were on a farm in South Dakota, life was hard.  Water was carried from the creek a mile away, washing and cooking were all done by hand, the crops and livestock required constant attention.  I have heard stories about lazy horses or dawdling children being whipped.  I look back with respect and admiration at my grandparents who reared 16 children; old world immigrants who knew how to work hard and provide for themselves.  Even though I look back with great nostalgia, I understand that times are different now.  They did the best they knew how in a world that no longer exists. 

Today, I would not beat my tired horse to get him to take me down the road anymore than I would use a whip on my children.  I throw my clothes in the washer, shop at the nearest modern grocery store and drive all around town running errands.  Life is both easier and more complicated.  It doesn’t mean that I judge what happened back then, I merely understand that today the circumstances are different.  Just as I have a variety of choices in life when it comes to selecting a spouse, an employer, a neighborhood,  internet providers, or phone companies, I have a variety of choices when it comes to childrearing approaches.  I count myself as fortunate, living in these times.  No longer limited by the struggle to survive, parents can enlist the many resources available to help creatively and thoughtfully parent.