A common phrase typical of most children is the phrase, “You promised!”  Obviously they figured out early on that adults don’t always mean what they say.  “You promised,” is an attempt to hold the giants in their lives accountable for their words.  Children are wonderful mirrors and often imply that a promise was made even when it wasn’t.  Why?  Because, often our words don’t match our actions.  “We’ll see,” in some families means a definite “yes,” while in others, it tends to mean, “no.”  “I’ll think about it,” “we’ll see,” and “wait,” don’t necessarily mean much.  Children learn very early on how to read us emotionally, physically and energetically.  They often know before we even do whether the answer will be “yes” or “no.”  Because they lack power in the situation, they try to endear themselves, guess, lobby, negotiate or influence us with their childish logic.  To respond to these tactics with anger, really isn’t appropriate, for we, the adults, are responsible for setting up this dynamic. 

So, next time you feel yourself losing your patience when you find yourself bombarded with begging or the dreaded phrase, “You promised,” ask yourself if you’re giving mixed messages or being incongruent.  You will probably discover that what you are saying and what you are telegraphing to your child are two different things.  Take a deep breath and backtrack.  “I know it probably seems like I promised because……., but we’re not going to be able to go the store right now.  I didn’t promise, Shannon, I said, 'maybe.'  Do you feel like 'maybe' really means, 'yes'?”  It may take awhile to undo family patterns, but in the long run, you’ll find it is well worth the time and effort.  You’ll help your children to become better, more honest communicators and you will eliminate the phrase, “But, dad, you promised!”

Sharon shoves the jeans back on the store shelving and rocks the stroller back and forth absentmindedly as she saunters toward the clearance rack.  Muffled cries turn to frantic sobs as the red-faced infant in the stroller waves her arms and kicks.  Uncomfortable, the baby lies in soiled diapers that are cold and chafing.  After a few minutes of crying, baby drifts off into another spell of troubled sleep.  Twenty minutes, later she awakes again to terrible pain in her tummy.  Screaming, she tries to get someone’s attention, but by this time she is in her carseat in the car, embarked on the long drive home.  Sweating and almost hysterical, the baby gasps for air.  Sharon finally pulls the car over to the side of the road, irritated and fatigued.  What does this child want from her?  She was up most of the night and is starting to doubt that she has what it takes to do this “mother thing.”

I have devoted a lot of blogging space to the various childhood stages and issues of children ages 3 and up.  I haven’t spent as much time talking about the challenges of infancy, the “earth” stage of development.  A plethora of material exists regarding pregnancy and new baby.  Unfortunately, much of the information out there is conflicting.  Some books promote tending to your baby every time they cry, others advocate placing your baby on a schedule.  There are books that encourage putting baby to sleep in a dark and quiet place, alone.  There are books that promote the “family bed.”  The choices are myriad. 

At birth, an infant experiences the world through earth energy.  Earth energy is solid in consistency and the foundation from which all the other energies spring.  Emotions at this stage are quite raw and basic.  Infants need to feel safe, held, dry and fed; to know that they can trust the world to support them in this, the most vulnerable and dependent time of their lives.  When these energy needs are not met they become rock-hard (blocked) or muddy/watery in consistency, which could indicate too weak a foundation.  Blockages usually lead to a “fear based” or stubborn relationship to the world.  Blocks usually occur when needs are ignored or unmet.  The work of this stage is to build trust, create attunement with the body and begin the business of relating to the world physically.  If the work of this stage is accomplished successfully, an emotionally and physically stable beginning becomes a perfect foundation for the next stage. 

My youngest son is growing up.  From the braces on his teeth, to the bangs that hang in his eyes, to the tight leg jeans with the little “sag” in the tush, it is obvious to me that my little boy is gone.  He has been replaced by a cool and nonchalant almost13 year-old, who doesn’t want to appear too enthusiastic.  I remember well the “fiery” enthusiasm of the previous stage with its high-energy and shenanigans.  I loved those days.  But now, we’ve entered the “airy” stage of argumentativeness, where the winds of self-expression blow daily.  “I’m not going to argue about it,” I say for the umpteenth time.

“Who’s arguing?  We’re just talking.  Don’t you want to hear what I think?” my son asks self-righteously.  I find myself longing for those passive little grunts of the past from the little boy who wants to be left alone to play, who doesn’t want to talk about it!  Funny, how I used to complain about that back then.  What was I thinking?!  Last night, I braced myself for yet another protest over bedtime.  I steeled myself as I entered the living room.  Smile on my face, I mentioned that it was time for bed.  My son looked up and said, “I know, but can we spend a minute talking first?”  I sat down wearily, looking him in the eye.  “Do you know how much I love you?” he said as he scooted over and gave me a quick hug.  “I’ve set my alarm for morning, but will you wake me up if I don’t hear it?”  Hardly waiting for a reply, he jumped up and headed for the stairs.  I sat there for a moment, letting his words sink in.  "I am so blessed.  What a good kid," I think to myself.  "I'll get used to this stage again and probably even like it."

"Mom can I stay up 1/2 an hour longer?"  The words echo down the stairwell.  "After all, I am almost 13!"

HOMEWORK!  For some parents, the mere sound of the word strikes terror to the heart, for they remember past years filled with procrastination, lost assignments, more procrastination and conferences with teacher.  Gone are the tranquil, Norman Rockwell evenings of summer.  Replaced, instead, by evenings filled with diplomatic negotiations and familial stand-offs.  If you are a parent who has suffered through previous years of anxiety and stress over homework, I would highly recommend Alfie Kohn‘s new book entitled, The Homework Myth.  There is very little evidence that piling on homework accomplishes anything.  In fact, loading up our children with nightly assignments actually does more harm, than good.  Children’s innate love of learning easily gets lost in reams of busy work and unrealistic expectations.  

I often ask adults how many of them would be willing to put in a full shift at work, only to be told by their employer at the end of the day that they will be expected to continue working throughout the evening at their home.  The answer is, not many!  Yet, we expect our children to do just that.  Children in the primary grades really shouldn’t have much, if any, homework. Families need to come together at the end of each day, to connect, play and de-stress.  If you find that homework is interfering with your family time each night, talk to the teacher and advocate for your child.  Let your voice be heard.  You might be surprised to learn that your teacher agrees with you and is more than willing to accommodate your request.  

I have to admit that I am one of those people who like to watch a good cop show, on occasion.  I enjoy the mindless pleasure of trying to figure out “who dunnit.”  I watch the good cop/bad cop strategies unfold and smile when they catch the “bad guys.”  One place that I do not enjoy watching good cop/bad cop scenarios play out are within families.  It is far too frequent an occurrence.  One parent feels obligated to play the “heavy,” while the other, in reaction, plays the “softie.”  Of course, unlike the fictional stories on television, no one wins.  Children learn to fear, manipulate, hate or lie to the “heavy,” and manipulate, disrespect or secretly align with the “softie.”  Conflicts ensue and home becomes a battleground of wills, instead of a sanctuary of safety.  One of the biggest gifts that parents can give their children is to present a united front.  Share the responsibility of childrearing equally, and your children will grow up respecting you both, unable to play one side against the other. 

I believe that good cop/bad cop strategies within families arise innocently enough.  There is an innate need within each of us to “keep the balance.”  Just as batteries and electrical systems are comprised of positive and negative charges, we as human beings strive to find that balance between positive and negative energies.  Electricity needs a grounding element, as do families who seek stability.  Single parents struggle with the same issues, for they often find themselves waffling between a heavy hand and a shrug of the shoulders.  Too tired to maintain consistency, these parents too, swing energetically in their reactions.  Awareness is key.  Take time to talk about your parental approach first.  Create a plan.  Once a plan is in place, apply it consistently and fairly, avoiding impulsive or reactionary responses to your children.  By implementing these energetic strategies you will find that you maintain a balance and retain harmony within your home.

Alex typed fast and furiously, cheeks pink, his labored breathing almost matching the rhythm of his fingers on the keyboard.  He was upset.  He and his best friend had just posted a video  on “You Tube.”  They were very proud of their masterpiece and expected to receive rave reviews from thousands of viewers.  Imagine their shock when they began to read the reviews and discovered they were being made fun of.  He just couldn’t believe it!  Well, he would show them!  Mustering every bad word he could remember, nine-year old Alex spewed forth expletive replies to all those “haters” out there.  Unfortunately, his vocabulary was rather limited, as compared to the many teen-agers and young adults responding to his post.  After about 30 minutes of frustration, Alex gave up.  Grabbing his favorite trophy from the dresser he flung it across the room and watched it shatter on the hardwood floor.

The “ether” energy of the internet creates an environment with far too little structure for children in the early energetic stages of development to maneuver unsupervised.  The high speed, interactive technology that is available today requires the guidance of a responsible adult.  You wouldn’t think of leaving your child alone in a room with a handgun, for you know the destructive power such a weapon is capable of.  For children ages 4-11, the high-powered energy of fire combined with the “gaseous” quality of ether creates a combustible situation.  Just as the mixing of unstable chemicals in a laboratory requires a steady hand and an understanding of chemistry, children in the fire stage of development require the balancing wisdom of parents who can help them channel their “fire” energy constructively.  The internet provides wonderful opportunities for our children to create cyber friendships.  And if we remain involved as parents and teachers,  little opportunity for our children to suffer at the hands of a cyber bully.

I’m always somewhat startled when I happen upon a parent/child interaction that is reminiscent of my own childhood.  So far removed do I feel from the days of old where, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” was a common family phrase, that it almost feels like I’m remembering someone else’s life.  Yet, try as I might to believe that we’ve come miles and miles from those “good ole days,” I occasionally am reminded that there are families who still live there, parents who control their children through belittling and threats, children who tow the line, not as a choice, but because they are afraid.  It’s easy to repeat the past and somehow justify that, “I turned out all right, didn’t I?”  But at what far reaching costs to our children? 

I had an experience not so long ago, where I witnessed a four-year old throwing a tantrum at a museum.  Dad lost his cool and began to “physically intervene.”  The child was on the floor crying and dad was nudging, lightly kicking the child and instructing him to get up.  I stopped and made a comment to dad.  “We don’t kick children,” I responded.  “Don’t kick him.”

In his rage, dad turned on me.  I could see fear and embarrassment on his wife’s face, shame and anger on his.  I wasn’t afraid.  Bullies don’t scare me.  Besides, I’d rather dad focus his anger on me than his innocent kid.  He yelled and let me know, “that he’d do whatever he wanted to his !@$!#@ kid!”  But I knew that the point had been made.  Dad looked around to see if anyone was watching.  He quit assaulting his child and the little boy stood up.  The family skulked away and out the front door, with mom holding on to her little boy’s hand.  I like to hope that mom was empowered by our interaction that day and that dad thinks twice before he unthinkingly does to his children what was done to him.  But most of all, I hope that little boy grows up remembering that a stranger took his part and stated clearly how children should be treated.