Not that many years ago it was common to hear people talk about their child's disposition.  They were generally referring to their child's core personality traits.  Today we are more likely to refer to our child's nature or temperament.  It doesn't really matter what words we use, we are talking about that invisible part of our child that makes up who they are.  We as humans are more than our bodies, or our brains, or our emotional states.  We are able to transcend physical, mental and emotional difficulties.  No two of us are alike and even if we have identical life experiences, our responses to these experiences will be very different.  These differing responses are due in large part to our energetic makeup.  Parents who make it a priority to understand who their children are energetically are empowered when dealing with issues, for they can attend to problems at their source rather than just reacting to behaviors. 

I feel very strongly that punishment has no role to play in childrearing.  If Joey is spanked because he stole a candy bar, he may try to avoid a spanking in the future, but he doesn't learn anything about stealing.  If Joey experiences the natural consequence of his action, if he is required to talk to the owner of the store and make restitution, he begins to comprehend why thievery is wrong.  A lesson is learned.  If Carol gets caught up in play and doesn't arrive home in time for dinner, she needs to experience the natural consequence of her actions, not a punishment.  If Carol doesn't get the yummy food that everyone else got, but must make her own sandwich because she is late, she's learned that if you aren't on time, you miss out.  Sometimes it is easier to "ground," to place in time out, to take away the toy or to spank.  A natural consequence takes forethought and a willingness to follow-through and help teach the lesson.  If Sierra learns that she must play alone if she hits someone because nobody wants to play with you if you hit, the lesson is made.  If she sits in the time out chair, "paying her dues, " only to jump into the fray a few minutes later, she doesn't learn much.  Additionally, if part of the natural consequence for Sierra is that she must make restitution, she learns how to hold herself accountable, how to ask for forgiveness and how to move on.  Many police departments have learned that merely handing out tickets doesn't do much to change behavior.  People continue to focus more on getting caught rather than changing their speeding habits. If, however, people are required to watch videos of accidents and hear testimony from those injured as a result of speeding, behavior begins to change.  If we provide our children with multiple opportunities to experience natural rewards and consequences now, later they will be responsible adults.

Kelsey was excited.  She and mom were going shopping--her favorite thing to do.  She couldn't wait to buy some new outfits for school.  She knew exactly what she wanted too.  She hurried to the wrack of blouses and began making her choices.  Mom made her way to the trousers, thinking she could help speed things up by selecting a few pair.  Returning to her daughter, she noticed that she had several blouses in hand.  "Let's find a dressing room and start the fashion show," mom commented good naturedly.  In the dressing room, Kelsey quickly slipped off her t-shirt and tried on a blouse.  Mom's smile froze on her face and she gasped as she saw her daughter's bare midriff and plunging neckline.  To make matters worse, the blouse had holes slashed across the bodice and back, exposing even more skin.  What had happened?  Last she knew, Kelsey was wearing color coordinated outfits.  Shopping had been fun. 

In an aisle across the store, another mother was engaged in a similar situation with her son.  The little boy who used to be happy with jeans and a colorful shirt was now perusing wracks of black t's flaunting skulls and crossbones.  What had happened?  Often parents of children aged 11-16 find themselves face-to-face with a child they never knew existed.  It is easy to panic in such a situation and jump to the conclusion that your child has changed or disappeared altogether.  Such is not the case.  Children of this age are experimenting with fitting-in, thus peer approval means a lot.  Often we are able to dismiss the crazy fashions of our own adolescence with a smile and wave of our hand, as we argue that today the styles are so much worse.  Approaching these situations with humor and flexibility allows some of your child's airy rebellion to manifest rather harmlessly.  If we become too rigid when it comes to our child's attire of choice, then we risk their rebellion moving underground, only to manifest later on in a much more dangerous way.  Think of these clothes as costumes.  They no more represent who your child is at their core than a Halloween costume does.  This holiday won't last forever and sanity will reign again.  I promise!

What do you do as parents when your views on childrearing are very different ?  I don't know of any parents, either biological or in blended families, who don't struggle when differences of opinion emerge.  Often strong opinions are supported by a large and complex emotional infrastructure.  This infrastructure may be solely based on our own childhood experiences or may also be influenced by external forces (i.e. books we have read, classes we have taken).  If we tenaciously quibble over superficial differences without being willing to resolve the deeper issues, we may win the battle, but ultimately lose the war.  For example, a disagreement about mealtime expectations in a family, needs to include a willingness to look at who your child is energetically and what their underlying needs are.  If you are parenting a child who is shy and earthy by nature, and you are an airy parent who likes to try new foods and "change things up," you may need to re-evaluate and modify your approach.  A varied and eclectic menu might be appropriate for you, but your child may need new foods to be introduced slowly and in small servings.  Conversely, if you are a grounded, earthy parent who likes a revolving menu containing the same foods each week, you may struggle with an airy child who needs variety and excitement.  They may become bored and develop strong dislikes for specific foods.  You, in return, become frustrated. A power struggle ensues.  Stubbornly promoting your own agenda as parent, might be damaging to everyone involved.  If you take energetic needs into consideration as you formulate your parenting strategies, your disagreements will be fewer and your parental unity stronger.

I read an article in my local paper this weekend about computerized role playing games,  games designed for pre-schoolers, tweens and teens.  An exponential growth in membership has been reported over the past two years.  Kids socialize, play educational games and games of strategy, earn and manage their own virtual money and maneuver various geographical environments while playing these games.  Thus, basic mathematical and grammatical concepts, reading and critical thinking skills are all cultivated.  My son, his friends, and many of my child clients are members of these sites. I have spent numerous hours watching them.  I was hesitant to embrace this form of play at first.  I was afraid that these children might lose their innate creativity or imagination as a result of this activity.  What I found instead, was that these environments are richly imaginative and encourage children to be creative and collaborative.  These computer programs possess many of the same qualities a good book or board game does. 

I've had to carefully sort out what, for me, is legitimate concern and what is merely discomfort and resistance of the new.  I believe that play time spent in exclusively a virtual reality, without balancing other forms of play, is unhealthy.  But I would feel the same way about a child who feverishly and incessantly played board games or read 24/7.  I want my son to spend time playing basketball, getting some sunshine and playing with his "real" friends. That being said, I love the fact that he can play backgammon or scrabble with someone in Sweden or Australia.  I am thrilled that he is getting an opportunity to play and barter with currency in ways that are so realistic.  I am confident he will benefit from these experiences when he is managing his own money someday.  I believe we as parents need to embrace the technological advances that provide our children the opportunity to play 21st century style.  A variety of life experiences today when they are young, help an interesting and dynamic adult emerge later.