Dillon stares out the window straining to see if his dad's car has come into view.  He calls out to his mother for the fourth time that morning, asking her what time it is.  The routine is the same every other weekend.  Dillon gets up at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning, only to wait impatiently in the front room until dad arrives around 10:00.  The interaction between mom and dad at the front door, is decidedly chilly.  Once Dillon settles into his father's car, the grilling begins.  Dad "off-handedly" asks about school, evenings at home, what mom has been up to, who has been visiting of late, etc.  The smile begins to fade on the little boy's face as he tries his best to deflect the questioning through monosyllabic responses.  This strategy eventually seems to work and dad ceases the questioning.  The rest of the weekend, the two have a wonderful time and enjoy each other's company.  On Sunday evening as they say good-bye, they both struggle with emotion. 

Dillon's favorite meal is waiting at mom's apartment.  As he and his mother sit down to dinner, the questioning begins.  "What did you and your father do?  What did you eat?  Did you go out?  Were the two of you alone all weekend, or did friends come over?  How late were you up?"  For a little guy, the questions are overwhelming.  He sighs and rubs his eyes, suddenly feeling tired. 

Unfortunately many children find themselves in Dillon's situation on the weekends.  Fear of rejection or divided loyalty rules and sometimes ruins their time with mom or dad.  Divorce and separation are hard on everyone, but children, the innocent victims, pay the highest price.  I do my best to empower Dillon in our time together.  I don't ask him any questions, knowing that eventually his fears and his truths will come out.  I find it sad sometimes that I am the one who provides him this support.  I mentioned it to dad the other day.  He leaned forward as he appeared to listen and after a pause said, "Did I tell you what Cindy's contesting now?  She's taking me to court again!"

I talked in an earlier blog about "do overs," those intentional actions we take to make things right after we've made a specific mistake. Everyone makes mistakes in parenting.  But what do you do if damage or delays occur as a result of repeated mistakes or misunderstandings?  For example, many of us belonged to families where a "clean plate" was expected after each meal.  There was no snacking in between meals and families rarely ate out.  Today, many of us handle the "clean plate" issue very differently, allow healthy snacking in between meals and eat out routinely.  So as your understanding around an issue expands and grows, so do your behaviors. 

If you find yourself in a situation where you realize needs were not met sufficiently during a specific energetic stage, backtracking is always possible.  Read as much as you can about the characteristics of the specific stage you would like to re-visit first.  Then, creatively inject some of those qualities into your child's life.  If earth needs were not sufficiently met and you notice your child has an issue with feeling safe and secure, has an eating disorder or exhibits difficulty trusting, then you can begin to help meet those needs now.  Work to create a nurturing, safe environment at home.  Remodel your child's room in a way that feels comforting.  Provide lots of opportunities for one-on-one time with each parent.  Help your child get in touch with what their needs are and help them find the words to express such needs.  Use physical activities to help support this energy that are rocking, soothing, comforting.  Some good examples might be: swinging, lying in a hammock, rocking in a rocking chair, an excursion in a canoe, cuddling while watching a movie, sitting in a bean bag with soft music in the background, reading aloud.  Earlier stages can be re-visited when the energy is channeled thoughtfully through mindful emotional and physical activities.  A shift will occur and healing will begin.

Kelly found herself hiding in the bathroom at recess for the fifth time this week.  She had tried to talk to the teacher, but nothing ever happened.  The other girls were making her life miserable and she didn't know how much more she could take.  At lunch, the girls had passed around cartoons depicting her as a pig eating at a trough.  Later, at recess, they snubbed her and whispered in front of her.  When Kelly nonchalantly turned to walk away someone had thrown sour milk on her back and now her blouse reeked.  She tried her best to wash off the stain, but the smell remained.

I often talk about what happens to our boys when we neglect to address their "fire" needs during the elementary school years.  As stated before, we are more comfortable medicating our boys than we are in dealing with these needs.  But what happens to the ignored "fire" needs of girls during these years?  Instead of channeling their fire through healthy competition and collaboration, these girls are forced to find their own way of coping with the "fire in their belly."  Misdirected passion and creativity can result in destructive behaviors.  By the time these girls reach middle school, they have become the "mean girls" we've been hearing so much about of late.  We must provide safe and appropriate outlets for their fire that are not tied to expectations of achievement.  Too often, extra-curricular activities fuel our children's anger, for they are required to win or accomplish a specific goal that we have in mind for them.  Children need freedom to express their fire creatively without being tied to expectations or external results.  Parents can help channel this energy by collaborating with their children on projects, playing with them and even playfully competing.  By using the power of connection and empathy learned during the earlier water stage of development, parents can help extinguish too much fire.  An empathetic child who is connected to parents and peers won't exhibit  bullying or violent behaviors.

Try as we might to be sophisticated and forward thinking parents, it is easy to look back fondly at the "good ole days," and criticize our child's latest gadget or fascination.  We hated it when our parents criticized us, but we rationalize that today's generation is different.  My mom used to scold me for having my head in a book or for listening to the radio for hours on end.  She would insist that I go out and get some exercise.  Today, when our children are stuck at the computer or video screen, listening to their ipods or instant messaging their friends, we consider it nonsense.  We lament their lack of exercise.  Each generation seems to idealize what was "in" for them years ago and demonize the trends of today.  Since rebellion and self-expression are two of the most significant components of the air stage of development from ages 11-15, it is reasonable to expect these years to be filled with fads and fancies.  Parents that are most successful in dealing with these challenges are secure and tolerant.  They remember their own teen years and try to be supportive rather than judgmental or critical.  Winds of popularity shift frequently, so if we as parents remain grounded, loving, empathetic and rational, we can laugh with our children years from now as we walk down memory lane. 

As for the sophisticated technology of today, we would no more want to limit ourselves to watching the old black and white television sets of yesteryear than we would want to go back to washing our clothes by hand.  When I buy the latest new front loading washer, I am being smart and efficient.  When my child wants the latest new video component for the family computer, they are being foolish.  Or are they?  Thanks to videocam technology families distanced by war are staying in contact.  By staying current and keeping up with the changing times, we as parents are better prepared to embrace the winds of change while setting healthy limits for our children.  Books and theories that promote "going back" in time to simpler days speak to our nostalgia, not to the very real challenges of being discriminating, responsible parents in an ever changing world.