Life is busy.  It seems that there are never enough hours in the day to do everything we want to do.  As a result, our families often get the "left overs."  Work and scheduled commitments come first, family comes next.  We don't want it to be this way, but we feel powerless to change our situation.  I just sent my twelve-year old off to spend a week with grandma.  I'm going to miss him and the many little ways he connects with me each day.  I will miss the long and complicated conversations about his favorite computer role playing game.  I will miss playing "horse" out at the basketball hoop.  I will miss explaining the latest news headline that he just happens to overhear.  I will miss our little arguments.  I will miss the boisterous sounds coming from the living room when friends, music, video games and TV all compete with each other to be heard.  And of course, I will miss our early morning walks. 

But this is just what I have been waiting for!  I now have time to get some things done.  I have been waiting for this opportunity.  How strange that as I examine my "to do list," I find that all those really important tasks that have waited for so long, just don't seem all that important in this moment.  So maybe I should give myself a break.  Maybe it's been okay for me to let things slide rather than sacrifice family connections.  Because given the chance to choose between being productive and connecting with those I love, I choose connection...hands down.

While visiting the grocery store yesterday, I came upon a mother and son in the cold cereal section.  The little boy was probably about 4, blonde and a cutie.  Mom scanned the cereal boxes while her little one picked out a box of sweet cereal and hugged it to his chest.  Mom turned, and seeing the sweet cereal, snatched it out of his hands and replaced it on the shelf. Of course the little boy began to cry.  Not the wailing cries of a child in the throes of a tantrum, but big hiccupy sobs. He wrapped his arms around himself and sobbed, gasping for breath, trying not to make any noise.  Mom was obviously irritated and told him he was a spoiled brat.  She then proceeded to announce that she was leaving.  Panic crossed his little face and he began to beg, “Noooo.”  Mom turned briskly and walked down the aisle.  Struggling to catch up, the little guy began to run while repeatedly apologizing.  “Sorry,” he wailed.  “Sooorrrry, Momma.”  Finally, just before reaching the end of the aisle, Mom stopped and took his hand, pulling him forward into the next aisle.

I happened upon them a little later in my shopping.  The little boy was no longer crying, but plodded along obediently behind his mother with a sad and tear-stained face.  I smiled, but he stared at me blankly.  Mom ignored me.  I’m sure that there is more to this little story than I could possibly know from a three-minute observation.  But, no matter the circumstances, I do know a couple of important facts.  Life is too short and too precious to turn a trip to the store into a traumatic and stressful event.  Mom through fatigue and lack of communication resorted to name calling and the threat of abandonment.  Little boy learned nothing about self-control, good food choices or the joy of shopping with Mom.  Instead, he learned how to name call and control others through the use of power.  I’m hoping that on another day, Mom will include her little guy in the cereal selecting process.  I can imagine them now, laughing and chatting, Mom re-directing as necessary.  I wish many things for this Mother and son, but most of all, I wish for them a “do over.”

Sarah is sixteen-years old and angry.  Fiery by nature, she lacks the balancing energies of water or air.  This can happen when the toddler stage is difficult and attended to poorly.  Sarah is unable to proceed comfortably through her current energetic stage because she lacks the foundation necessary to do so.  Relationships are very difficult.  Because Sarah finds herself either enmeshed in rather co-dependent relationships in her attempt to collaborate or alienated from others through her need to compete, she is lonely and defensive.  Her emotional expressions are based in fire, so she is seen as temperamental, too intense, irritable, angry, hostile, etc.  What can be done to help Sarah? 

Well, the first thing I would do is find a physical and artistic outlet for her fire.  Sports, art, music, dance are all wonderful options.  Then, once an outlet or two are provided, Sarah needs help exploring the realms beneath her anger.  One of the ways to accomplish this is by clearing out the top layer of anger and focus on the deeper layers.  Next time Sarah is in the throes of anger, I would guide her through physically and emotionally expressing herself for a limited period of time, say 5 minutes.  Then, while rocking in a chair, or hammock, or standing and swaying back and forth, I would direct Sarah to notice what she "feels" when she breathes and sways slightly.  Within a few moments, I would begin to quietly describe for Sarah possible feelings she might have that are typical of the water or airy stages.  I might say, "as you sit rocking quietly I want you to notice what you might be feeling.  There is nothing you need to do about the feeling right now, just notice it.  You might feel lonely, sad, depressed, overwhelmed, a longing, a need, a wanting."  As Sarah is now in a relaxed state, distanced from her anger, she is in the perfect place emotionally, physically and energetically to explore her feelings.  Rocking or swaying is a motion that is watery or airy in nature and can help the body connect more easily with the underlying emotions.  As emotions are felt and expressed, some of the energetic circuitry begins to come alive again.  The body begins to remember what business was left undone and attempts to restore itself to balance.  Not only will the child or teen experience increased physical health and vigor as a result of such work, but they will mature and heal as well.  Emotional health returns and social relationships thrive.

The important work of each energetic stage is sometimes delayed due to family crisis, illness or abuse.  When this is the case, all is not lost.  Nature is very forgiving and patient.  The work of early stages can be done at anytime.  Unfortunately, we often focus on a child's external behaviors rather than the energy beneath.  Behaviors can offer us important clues, but attending to or changing behavior does nothing to treat the underlying energetic disruption.  Only by going deeper and treating the root cause, can we hope to help our children heal and move through delays.  Often parents and teachers are surprised when problem behaviors naturally disappear as a result of such work.  Just as the new growth after a forest fire is often richer and more abundant than what existed previously, so it is with energy.  Once the circuitry is re-established, the balance is restored.

Janet glanced at her watch as she flew down the highway....  She was late!  Swerving in and out of traffic, she managed to make the exit just in time.  Within moments she was at the school.  Hurrying through the front door, she almost jogged down the hallway to her child's classroom.  Of course Charles, her husband, was already there.  Smiling warmly, he pulled out the chair next to his.  As the parent-teacher conference proceeded, it was very obvious that all three people participating were of very different energy types.  The teacher spoke effusively about Ben, their son.  She understood him well and conveyed enthusiastically all the progress that had been made thus far this year.  Charles was quiet, but attentive.  He appreciated the warmth  and passion with which the teacher spoke, but he wanted to make sure that Ben was on track in all of his subjects, not just those he liked.  Janet, on the other hand, wanted to hear about Ben's social interactions and make sure that he was signed up for chamber choir auditions.  She wanted to make sure that Ben had plenty of opportunities for self-expression and artistic exploration. 

Three concerned adults, all bringing their unique energetic styles (air, water, earth) to conference.  Embracing each other's differences not only helps ensure Ben's educational success, but brings a healthy balance to the situation.  The teacher's watery energy flows well with Mom's airy nature and both benefit from Dad's grounded, practical and pragmatic input. 

Michael loves technology.  He is passionate about computers, video gaming, video production and most anything else that has to do with high technology components.  Channeling his fiery/ethereal learning style in these directions, Michael isn't even aware of the wealth of knowledge that he posseses.  He takes his abilities for granted and assumes that everyone experiences the world as he does. Unfortunately, Michael lacks the self-discipline and maturity necessary to maneuver today's chaotic and dangerous digital seas.  Little does he know that there are many unscrupulous and greedy adults more than willing to take advantage of his naivete.  Michael needs help grounding himself and learning self-control.  His parents and teachers won't always be around to protect him from every lurking stranger.  Artificial external controls will keep Michael safe in the short run, but not over the long haul.  I love Michael's enthusiasm.  I marvel at his expertise.  I look forward to the day when through consistent mentoring, Michael's maturity catches up with his intellectual brilliance.